The house I sold but not the house I live in!

So as I have mentioned before, I am in the process of moving home!

It is really tossing stressful!

It was soo hard to get the house looking smart and tidy and into a state that would convince people to pay for it rather than just demolish it!

Over the last five years we have spent a lot of money on our home and we had really got it into a condition that we were proud of, decorated in a way that we loved.

Looks great doesn't it?

 Wouldn't you love to live in a house that looks like this?








SO WOULD I!










I would love to this in this house, this beautifully tidy, well organised, lovely home.

But I don't!

I live in this house...........................

TAAA DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

 This is the house that I live in!

My house in all its filthy fucked up glory!

My daughter is only laughing in this photo as she knows how badly her brother is going to have trashed the living room.........

And here he is doing so!

I would love to be able to say that when the kids go to bed it is transformed back into the clean and tidy house I first showed you, but it isn't!

It mostly stays exactly as pictured here!

This isn't even as bad as it gets, there is no play-doh or paint out and the kids are still wearing their clothes, so this was definitely a good day!

I justify my house looking like this by reasoning that if I were to be burgled whilst I was out the intruders would just assume someone had beaten them to it and leave. It is basically a home protection measure!

So this is why we're moving! Because our lovely house, that we bought and decorated with no thought to kids, is trashed on a daily basis. There is shit piled upon shit, that a toddler has then weed all over!

I can't wait to move. Since having found a new house and accepted an offer on ours, the house has shrunk. Before deciding to move I loved it and found the state of it amusing but now I have begun to resent it and hate it, and say rude things when it's back is turned.

So bring on the move...that has been moved from August..to September and now to October!

In the mean time, I shall sit amongst the wee covered mess and drink wine!

How to Care For a Stay at Home Parent.

Caring for a stay at home parent.

This is a useful care guide for all partners of a stay at home parent. Think of it as a 'how to care for your Guinea pig' but way more useful.

 AM 

Make sure that whilst you may be busy showering, walking the dog, shaving or applying make up you take time to make them a caffeinated beverage of some kind. The likelyhood is they are not going to have time to make one for themselves for some hours to come. The parent you are leaving at home is much less likely to eat your young if you take this simple precaution.
If you have a particularly unpredictable partner it may be best to air on the side of caution and provide sustenance of some kind...perhaps put some toast on whilst brushing your teeth! Low blood sugar and feral children may result in less family members on your return from work.

During the working day

If you call you hard working stay at home parenting partner do not ask on the phone "what's for tea?" This will be met by hostility and may result in further eating of the offspring or you suffering a later 'accidental' case of genital mutilation. Instead always advisable to ask more positive, inspiring questions such as "what can I pick up on my way home?" If time does not allow for midday phone calls again air on the side of caution and pick up food or alcoholic beverages (or both) en route.
If you are unsure of the mood that your at home parent may be in, I suggest buying the full house: red white and rose... If you fear the worst buy gin and chocolate too.

PM

On returning from work, no matter how desperate you are for a piss remember you probably went more recently than they did. So don't rush up the stairs (or down the corridor if you're really lucky) cross your legs say hello and see if they leap up first! If your happy greeting is met by declarations of hatred and loathing this can be a sign of chronic hanger. It is always wise in these situations to provide a blood sugar boost to the stay at home parent; toast, an apple, a biscuit, fuck it a pork pie if there is one going. They may not have eaten since you last saw them!

Once you have ensured they have peed and had a snack if they are still a little furrowed in the forehead and you are seeing hostility this is the time to show the food and/or beverages that you stopped for. If this has no apparent effect on their mood check their hygiene levels. They may need a shower or a bath.

Once fed and watered and washed your stay at home parent should begin to regain some more of their human qualities and speech. This is the time you can feel free to talk about your shitty day and ask about theirs. It is advisable before you relax completely that you check whether there are any hidden IEDs and ensure you have kissed your children read them stories and offered to cook tea (or wash up if dinner has already been provided).

If all these things have been achieved you can be sure you can sit down and relax in front of a tv show you did not get to choose.

Remember when you are climbing in to your clean bedding and washed pyjamas that although you may believe in fairies they do not do your laundry. Nor do they feed your children, sing nursery rhymes on repeat or endlessly build towers, do puzzles or scrub crayon off the walls and furniture! That is your partner!

If you would like a fairy do these things they can, but they are called nannies and they cost money. And despite the fatigue and the slightly crumpled look, your partner will likely not want the fairy. They will just want you to acknowledge that they are doing a good job!

If you have successfully cared for your stay at home parent you can look forward to some kind of show of affection before falling asleep, a hug, a kiss, a smile... If you are really lucky you may get some...but don't count on it!

Uninspiring inspiration to blog!

This has been my first blog in ages.

I have been bogged down by solicitors and estate agents preparing for a move and every time I try to write I just stop mid way. This evening my toddler has hit a new low. He has now tipped me over the edge of despair to pure fucking exasperation but has also given me the inspiration that I have been lacking.

It turns out that no matter how much other shit that is happening in your life your kids will always be the ones that cause you to question yourself the most! I have tried reasoning and negotiating in my house move and no matter how many concessions or extra money I have offered I cannot get a completion date before October. Fine. I did my best.

But with my toddler...my used to go to bed silently and sleep to morning toddler, there apparently is no negotiating. There is no concession!

Over the last week something has happened. He has been replaced by this completely horrid tantruming little shit bag that refuses to go to bed and has more staying power than than a Geordie at an open bar!! (I say this as my husband is one so I know!)

He now throws an almighty head for as soon as he is put in his bed and is straight out and stood screaming at the gate. I have tried books and songs, I have tried bargaining.

Nothing.

I then, after several warning, smacked his bum (mildly I am not a monster!) nothing! In fact when threatened with it a second time he presented me his backside!!

This evening I brought him screaming downstairs on to the naughty step where he sat quietly for 20 minutes. When then offered the choice of continuing on the step or going to bed he chose the step!! What the actual fuck!?! After a further 15 minutes he got off the naughty step so was put back in his bed.

He is, as I write screaming at the gate. Don't be fooled into believing there is something wrong.

There isn't.

If we eventually give in and go and get him he stops crying immediately and starts to chat with a winner's smile. I fear we only have ourselves to blame. He is after all a mixture of my husband and I. A mixture of wilful and pure fucking bloody mindedness!

So I have broken my pity fuelled writers block and am now inspired to ask where the chuff do I go from here?

In all honestly I am, quite frankly, fresh out of fucks at this point. I have the Olympics and wine and am hoping that my staying power out weighs that of a toddler!

On the plus side the baby could sleep through Armageddon which is honestly how it sounds in here at the moment.

So I bid you all a good night, I however will be putting the subtitles on the gymnastics and will numb the pain with a bottle of Sauvignon blanc!