How to Care For a Stay at Home Parent.

Caring for a stay at home parent.

This is a useful care guide for all partners of a stay at home parent. Think of it as a 'how to care for your Guinea pig' but way more useful.

 AM 

Make sure that whilst you may be busy showering, walking the dog, shaving or applying make up you take time to make them a caffeinated beverage of some kind. The likelyhood is they are not going to have time to make one for themselves for some hours to come. The parent you are leaving at home is much less likely to eat your young if you take this simple precaution.
If you have a particularly unpredictable partner it may be best to air on the side of caution and provide sustenance of some kind...perhaps put some toast on whilst brushing your teeth! Low blood sugar and feral children may result in less family members on your return from work.

During the working day

If you call you hard working stay at home parenting partner do not ask on the phone "what's for tea?" This will be met by hostility and may result in further eating of the offspring or you suffering a later 'accidental' case of genital mutilation. Instead always advisable to ask more positive, inspiring questions such as "what can I pick up on my way home?" If time does not allow for midday phone calls again air on the side of caution and pick up food or alcoholic beverages (or both) en route.
If you are unsure of the mood that your at home parent may be in, I suggest buying the full house: red white and rose... If you fear the worst buy gin and chocolate too.

PM

On returning from work, no matter how desperate you are for a piss remember you probably went more recently than they did. So don't rush up the stairs (or down the corridor if you're really lucky) cross your legs say hello and see if they leap up first! If your happy greeting is met by declarations of hatred and loathing this can be a sign of chronic hanger. It is always wise in these situations to provide a blood sugar boost to the stay at home parent; toast, an apple, a biscuit, fuck it a pork pie if there is one going. They may not have eaten since you last saw them!

Once you have ensured they have peed and had a snack if they are still a little furrowed in the forehead and you are seeing hostility this is the time to show the food and/or beverages that you stopped for. If this has no apparent effect on their mood check their hygiene levels. They may need a shower or a bath.

Once fed and watered and washed your stay at home parent should begin to regain some more of their human qualities and speech. This is the time you can feel free to talk about your shitty day and ask about theirs. It is advisable before you relax completely that you check whether there are any hidden IEDs and ensure you have kissed your children read them stories and offered to cook tea (or wash up if dinner has already been provided).

If all these things have been achieved you can be sure you can sit down and relax in front of a tv show you did not get to choose.

Remember when you are climbing in to your clean bedding and washed pyjamas that although you may believe in fairies they do not do your laundry. Nor do they feed your children, sing nursery rhymes on repeat or endlessly build towers, do puzzles or scrub crayon off the walls and furniture! That is your partner!

If you would like a fairy do these things they can, but they are called nannies and they cost money. And despite the fatigue and the slightly crumpled look, your partner will likely not want the fairy. They will just want you to acknowledge that they are doing a good job!

If you have successfully cared for your stay at home parent you can look forward to some kind of show of affection before falling asleep, a hug, a kiss, a smile... If you are really lucky you may get some...but don't count on it!

Comply or Cry..my method of parenting

Hi!

Firstly, let me explain! Before you jump up and down and call social services my blog is not going to be about some ultra conservative, right wing, spare the rod, type parenting method. <Breathe> This post is about how I parent, which I think really is how most of us parent, and why to me it is the fundamental basis of being a parent.

When my son (almost 2) was a tiny baby and we would go to these Mummy and baby groups that you should go to, I would regularly end up in conversations about 'parenting methods'. I was not into Gina Ford and had never heard of Janet Lansbury, I actually got confused and thought of Angela Lansbury and my mind quickly wandered off to Bedknobs and Broomsticks and thought that would be a cool way of raising kids, but I digress... I certainly wasn't going to do bloody attachment parenting. I would sit and listen to the Mummies talk about their routines and chapters from books and the trials of wearing a baby whilst making a cup of tea in 3 minutes at 11.17am and silently scream to myself that I thought it was all a little bonkers. When someone asked me during one of these conversations "Who do you do?" I opened my mouth before having really engaged my (tired baby) brain and answered "I just suck it and see!". As I looked upon their blank yet unimpressed faces I tried to explain...."My philosophy is if it works ... Baby stops screaming, well, woohoo! ... If it doesn't, f*ck it, move on and try something else! Suck it and See!" and there in that moment my very own parenting method was born, ta da!

Since then my parenting style has evolved to meet the ever growing challenges of a feral and ever so slightly rabid toddler. I now adopt the "Comply or Cry" parenting method. This one I am particularly proud of. I even named my blog after it. As all parents will be painfully aware some things have to happen whether you or your baby like it or not. I find most of them relate to personal hygiene. Some things aren't choices - wearing nappies, brushing teeth, and simply just having the shit wiped from the backside and back of the neck, and the feet, and the earlobes, and wherever else it ends up!

I always explain to my toddler what I need to do. I ask him nicely to help mummy, I sing a song about wiping poo from earlobes while I try to do it, I bribe with treats, and then I inevitably end up pinning the little bugger to the floor with my knees whilst I attack him with wet wipes to remove the faecal matter from around his person before wrestling a clean nappy on him, at which point he screams until it is over. He had the option. Comply or Cry!

Again, this works with teeth brushing, I ask him to do it himself, I try brushing my teeth with him to encourage him to make the decision to brush his teeth himself, I sing a song, I say Ahhhhhhh with my mouth wide while trying to get the toothbrush in his mouth, aaaand then I pin the bugger to the floor with my knees whilst I get the toothbrush in there and brush away the strawberry pips and ketchup residue, at which  point he screams until it is all over. He had his chance. Comply or Cry!

I find that as my children grow this method is being employed more and more in our house and out of it. Getting small children into car seats, putting coats on in the rain, putting hats on in the sun, wearing shoes, wearing clothes, getting into a pram, getting out of a pram. It really is quite adaptable.

I don't really buy into 'doing a method'. When I was pregnant I didn't think I needed to read a book on routines or 'how to', I still don't. If that's how you like to do it, great but I think having a 'method' is restrictive and almost certainly sets parents up for failure, I would definitely have failed. I like the chaos and the unknown and have found that my babies have ended up falling into routine by themselves, and I have followed.

Before I had children, I, like most, had this completely romanticised notion of how it would be. My children would be clean and quiet and well behaved and say "Yes Mummy!" when I asked them to do things. The reality is dirtier and noisier and nothing close to obedient. In fact if I'm honest I don't ever really get the "Mummy" part, he calls me Dad and mostly just shouts and points emphatically when he needs something.

The weird thing about parenting is that the small things are the hardest, the teethbrushing and the shoe wearing and the in and out of the pramming. The big stuff, the growing and developing stuff happens on its own, when I'm not looking. Suddenly he is talking and making his own (questionable) clothing decisions, weeing in a potty on the floor and gives me his cheek to kiss instead of his wet sticky lips.

So yes, although I try the "cooperative" approach the "coercive" is where we end up. It is a shorter, quicker, more successful route to where we need to end up with the small stuff so that we can do things, many things, go to the zoo, make cakes, do painting, things that help with the big stuff, things we will remember forever.

The things that really matter.