I don't want pink or blue, I want the rainbow!

This week I have seen several adverts and posts about a new brand of doll specifically for boys. The dolls are wearing all sorts of different outfits, the one I remember seeing was a construction worker.

But why? Why do we need a doll for a boy that is wearing the uniform of a typically male role.

I thought we were in an age of gender equality and neutrality? Even Jules Oliver's Little Bird brand is designed as unisex, toy stores are moving away from 'boys' and 'girls' toy aisles. So why bring out these dolls and hail them as revolutionary or ground breaking?

They're not.
 
My son has both a gay man and a gay woman as god-parents and will grow up with friends with same sex parents. Gender and sexuality in our social circle are rather fluid concepts. I love that my children will grow up with a totally broad ranging and and inclusive version of 'normal'. I love it because I think it will make my children's lives richer but also because I hope it will make them better people. Better than our generation.

You only have to look in the news and comments made on social media at the moment to see what happens when fear and hate are instilled in people's minds. When a strict and rigid set of ideals are taught that ostracise or persecute people for the fundamental parts of who they are.


Our children are small and impressionable and have minds ready and ripe for shaping. I think that is why these dolls have pissed me off so much. We should be challenging these outdated stereotypes on behalf of our children, not reinforcing them. If we teach our children at such a young age that there are 'boys roles' and 'girls roles', 'boys toys' and 'girls toys' then we are already teaching them that anything or anyone that falls outside of these divides is not the norm, and therefore is wrong.

I am sure that the company that have bought out these toys thought they were doing something great for little boys, that they wanted to make a dolly for all the little boys out there that wanted a dolly. They wanted little boys to be able to have dollies too. But why didn't they just put up a fucking bill board saying BOYS CAN HAVE DOLLS TOO and be done with it. Why not just stick the dolls next to the cars and say YOU DO NOT NEED TO CHOOSE.

Why bring out a doll that says "Hey little boys, you may play with a dolly as long as it is of a man, (A MAN, not even a sodding baby), and is dressed in the uniform of a job that, despite the fact it could be done by women is mostly done by men, because society is backward and intolerant and we want you to be too."

Now, I am sure that that is not really what the company intended to or actually thought (no law suits please!) But that is what these dolls say to me.
 
I think you should be able to look into a toy box and simply be able to say, "Oh look, it's a box of toys!"

 

For my maaayte!

So the time has come for us to find a new home. Our family is growing and it seems the house is shrinking. Onwards and upwards and all that.

When we first decided to buy a new house I was really excited. I naively assumed that we would be able to find a slightly bigger house somewhere in the village and life would continue as normal.

Nope! No such luck.

The village has become ridiculously expensive and since we don't have 3/4 million pounds tucked under the sofa cushions we have had to look elsewhere.

The excitement has now been marred by sadness and trepidation though and not for the reasons you might think. Leaving our first house makes me sad because it's a great house and I love it. Leaving the village makes me sad because I have built a life here and it's a lovely place to live. But the thing that makes me most sad, the thing I want to do the least, the thing that makes me not want to do it,  is having to leave my friend, my maayte.

I can't imagine what I would have done over the last 2 1/2 years without her. She has been my friend, my rock, my partner in crime. My maayte. I think I took it for granted that she would be there (or rather that I would be here) and we would be 100 yards from each other until we were older and grey less blonde and our kids were grown.

We have been great and terrible influences on each other, we bring each other up and down and she is a massive part of why I enjoyed (and am enjoying) my maternity leave so much. I think I am the best version of myself when I'm with her.

I knew we were made for each other from the moment we first met in a pregnancy pilates class. There was a room full of glamorous ladies, with beautiful bumps all glowing and smiling and just loving life. I was green with envy..and nausea due to the 'all fucking day and night sickness' and felt like crying when I thought I was alone in my misery.

Until...there was the best sound in the world. The groan of a fat fed up pregnant lady hating life on the other side of the room. I knew right then and there she was the gal for me! Thankfully she felt the same way. She was comforted by my lack of comfort and we both felt better knowing the other felt worse!

4 babies and 2 1/2 years later and it's all about to change. I will be moving across the city, I won't walk passed her house every day on my way to the pub playground or shops. Our children won't go to school together. I won't see her everyday. So I'm sad.

I realise that to some people reading this I come off as a weirdo stalker lady, and if I do that's ok, you would understand if you had her as your maayte too!

bad mummy

I am so cross with myself. I am literally the worst mummy into the world! 😫

My babies have been sick for a week. Vomiting, diarrhoea, temperatures, which as children go is pretty much the norm...mostly.

This time, I knew it was a bit different, they have been REALLY sick. Watery stool and projectile vomit for days on end. The nurse in me just wrote it off as a bad case of gastroenteritis. Don't bother the Dr unless you need to. Most children can be looked after at home. No need to panic, don't take them to the GP. Care for them in the home... 48 hours clear.. And all that jazz.

But.. I think I was wrong. Bollocks to my degree. Bollocks to my training. My kids are really sick and if I had listened to the mummy in me rather than the healthcare professional I would have called the GP on Friday and had them checked over.

Instead my toddler already looks like something out of an Oxfam advert and my previously fatty bum baby is all skinny and gone from growing out of 3-6 month vests back in to her 0-3 month clothes.

My toddler, who I was sure was getting better, has just filled his bed with puke and thrown up the first meal he has eaten in a week.

I am filled with emotions..

My first is fury with myself for not acting sooner.

My second is disappointment with the nursery. They had put a note on the door saying there was sickness going around. But this is not a virus. I don't believe it is a virus. Have they been informed that any child has had food poisoning or a bacterial infection?

While I have been writing this, I have had a phone call from a friend who's child is also sick (who hasn't had contact with mine) who thinks they have caught it from the playground.

Sometimes we don't realise that children are as sick as they are. Sometimes we don't realise they are sick at all.

This time I can't help but think that there is someone with a test result that says this isn't a virus. This is bacterial. This is more serious and we haven't been told.

I will be getting sample pots in the morning and I will be sending shit and puke and anything else that comes out of my babies because they are not getting better and they should be by now.

Sometimes we have to trust our gut as a mummy and fuck the reasonable rationale voice in our head. Sometimes they are wrong and this time I FEAR THEY ARE.

Sucking the snot

My husband reminded me last night of the funniest conversation, so I just had to share...

When my son was about 4 months old he, and it seemed every other baby, had the most horrendous cold. He was so congested he was sleeping in his bouncy chair as he just couldn't breathe properly if he led in his cot. Poor little buba!

Since every other baby in the world seemed to also have a cold I went to baby group, (you know the one you should go to) and joined a group of mummies and their babies chatting about these awful colds.

One mummy had sent her husband out in the middle of the night to get a Calpol plug-in to try, another had purchased a bulb syringe to perform a nasal lavage. There were various contraptions and inventions that had been employed (I am sure all with their unique benefits!) including a mains powered paediatric nasal suction kit! Others had tried more conventional methods such as Olbas oil on the sleeping bag or burning Eucalyptus in a burner.

The one thing that all these methods had in common was that they had been pretty ineffective.

One of the mummies then looked at my little monkey who was busy gumming on a toy suitable for ages 2+ and noticed that he was looking a little less snot ridden than some of the other babies.

"What have you tried?" She asked politely.

"I just sucked the snot out!" I replied. O.M.G!!!!! The looks I got!

I have to explain here that my little buddy was really suffering, I had him in the bathroom with me while I showered so the steam would help loosen it but he was just too bunged up, so I bought him into the shower with me as I thought it might be easier to get some of the snot out if his nose and face were all wet but he was just desperate, so I stuck my mouth around his nose and sucked all the snot right out of there. I'm not going to lie, it was disgusting. There was loads of it. It was thick and green and really grim. I sucked it out and spat it straight down the drain of the shower and my little boy was so relieved. He smiled and relaxed and we got dressed and went to baby group.

Back to the faces....shock and disgust, I caused quite a disturbance in the ranks. My best mummy friend, my maayte, thought the whole thing was hilarious and was in the background pissing herself with laughter, but I was a bit surprised at the silence and then I was really embarrassed that I had told everybody.

That wasn't the funny conversation that I was telling you all about...that came later when I was recounting the whole story, snot sucking, baby group mums and all to my sister in law. Her answer was priceless..

"I don't see what the big deal is...It's no different than a blow job!"

My two pence worth

A lot of my friends often ask me if there is any particular advice I would give them about being a new parent.

This is my list of top things that have worked for me or that I have learnt the hard way.


1. You can never have enough muslins

Babies dribble and vom and cry and have runny noses, you will need loads!

2. Put a sleeping baby down.

I love cuddling my babies but if you can, putting a baby down to nap will save you a world of difficulties in the future, it also gives you an opportunity to do things for you. I can't stress enough how important it is to look after yourself as well as your baby!

3. Keep their snuggles in their bed.

I learnt this from my sister (she's a parenting rock star), this again will make your life so much easier in a year or so when your toddler is tired and whining and quite frankly being a bit of an asshole they will want their snuggle, which in our house means they go to bed. Thank you Goodbye!

4. Always put them in the bigger nappy size bracket.

Nappies leak and it is really shit if your baby wakes in the night for no other reason than they are wet! Babies pee a lot, even if they have teeny little bum bums like my two (not my bum bum, that's massive). It is better to use the bigger nappy!

5. If all you want to do is have a shower, have it!

If you have fed your baby, they are clean, you have sung to them, you have rocked them, swaddled them and shushed at them and you are stressed and sweaty and really want a shower, HAVE IT! It is ok to leave your baby (safely of course, duh!) to get in the shower and take 5 minutes (or 10 if you are feeling really brave!) to wash the stank off you. You will feel better and your baby will be fine!

6. It is ok to not have the shower too.

Some days it just doesn't happen. Fuck it, tomorrow is a whole new day!

7. If you are breastfeeding you can still give yourself a night off!

I have exclusively breastfed both my babies and sometimes I fancy a night off. It's ok to have it. With my first I had guilt, with my second I have gin! Give them formula, give them breast milk, it doesn't really matter. There will be moments, even if only fleeting, that you consider sacking it all in. Sometimes giving yourself a little break can help you keep going.

8. The longer you leave it to leave your baby the harder it gets.

I found this out the hard way with my first, he was 5 1/2 months old before I left him for more than an hour and I struggled massively.  He didn't, he didn't give 2 shits that I had left but I had huge anxiety about it. That was until my husband gave me a whole load of double G&T's telling me they were singles, after that I'm not sure I even knew I had a baby for the remainder for the evening!

9. Stop looking forward

With my first I was excited to see him do EVERYTHING! I was desperate for him to be able to hold his own head so I wouldn't be so afraid I would break him, I was desperate to see him smile and roll over and crawl and walk I feel like I didn't really realise how quickly they get big and grow up. The first time I constantly looked forward to the next milestone, the second I just want it all to slow down.

10. Take a minute to just sit, you and your baby..and your other half if you must!

Just enjoy it, it's lovely!



Oh and if you have a boy....Always make sure the willy is points down!!!!!!

Baby led Mysteries...No 5 gets me everytime!

Having children has raised a lot of unanswered questions for me...

1. How do the bottom of babies socks get dirty?

2. Why do babies feet smell like feet?....Why do feet smell like feet?

3. What the hell is that smell?

4. Where has the other bloody sock gone?

5. Why do babies look you so intensely in the eye when they poo? it is quite disconcerting!

6. Seriously...where is that smell coming from?

7. What is it about bloody Iggle Piggle that makes kids like that show so much? He looks like a dried out, over used kitchen sponge!

8. How many times do we need to do "Row Row" for it to be enough times?

9. How can they sleep through the sound of their screaming sibling, but you sneeze silently into your arm, breaking your ribs to stifle it, and they are bolt upright wide awake?

10. How come Daddy gets to pee alone but Mummy has an audience?

11. When a baby is teething, how much wine is enough wine? [For mummy not for the baby - I'm not a crazy person!]

12. Why, oh Why am I so keen to do it again?

These questions have been bought to you as a result of 2 babies in 18 months!

Please feel free to add to the list in the comments, or tweet me at @complyorcry_uk

Is it wrong to like my children sick?

Having spent the last week looking after my very sick children I have discovered something a little disturbing about myself!

I love an insecure and/or sick child!

My son is 22 months, he is super independent and isn't really one for hugging.
It's probably my fault. Since he was a small baby I have always put him down to nap and encouraged him to play on his own. "Never cuddle a sleeping baby" has always been my philosophy. Not because I am an uber strict parent but because I find having babies/small children stifling at times and putting them down to sleep gives me space to breath.

As a result I have a child that as a baby cried to be put down when he was tired, never wants to sit on my lap or have a snuggle and only likes to be kissed on the cheek!

When he's sick though that all changes. He just needs his mummy so much, he cries for cuddles and snuggles on my lap all day. I love it!
That might be a terrible thing to admit but it's true.

It was the same when his baby sister was born. He loved her straight away, he was such a good boy, he never made a fuss, or acted up, he was so good. But, I could tell that underneath it all he was a little bit worried about what it all meant, even at 18 months old he seemed to have the insight to know that things were changing.

When I would finish feeding the baby he would climb up onto my lap for a cuddle or would pull me off the sofa to the floor to play with him. It was so nice to have him want me all to himself.

My children are my world and sometimes, when they're screaming in my face, shouting no, or asking for their dad, I forget that I am theirs too!

To dress or not to dress? That is the question!

Whether or not to dress your baby seems to be as big of an issue as breast v bottle or Nsync v Backstreet Boys.

My babies have been dressed since the day they came home from hospital. Don't get me wrong they're not wearing tweed and leather and stiff scratchy denim but they do wear lovely little outfits and I love it.

I personally think "sleep suits" are for sleeping in, and for my friends that say they are "baby grows" and babies wear them while they're growing, well, babies do most of their growing at night so my arguement still stands.

My first pregnancy was just the most miserable of experiences and the only thing that really cheered me up was filling online shopping baskets of either little boys or girls clothes ready for when they popped out and I knew which basket to buy!  I was excited to have my very own real life dress up dolls and I still am. I enjoy shopping for my children more than I enjoy shopping for myself and whilst I leave the house looking dishevelled and a little bit dirty my kids look great. It seems pointless, it is I'm sure, but I like seeing them looking nice.

I find dressing the babies serves a purpose as well (other than them looking fabulous). I am not really one for routines. I don't impose strict 11am nap times and lunch time is when ever people are hungry but I do find that getting dressed in the morning and getting ready for bed in the evening helps both me and them mentally prepare for what's to come, whether it's starting our day or going to bed.

Perhaps more importantly it helps me feel like I have achieved something with my day. If me and the kids are all up and clean and dressed I feel like we're ready and raring to do something with our day, even if we don't end up doing anything. I feel more motivated to leave the house, or tackle a "day out" and then the days when we don't go out and we don't get dressed are a rarity and a treat. We LOVE pyjama days! My toddler is positively excited by them. We sloth out in pjs and watch tv  Toy Story and Kung Fu Panda on repeat and it feels great!

The power of love or the smell of vomit?

10 years ago washing someone else's vomit out my hair at 4am was a sign of a good night had by all. Now not so much. It is all just part and parcel of the joys of parenthood. It is amazing how much the power of love can help you cope with.

 When my toddler vomitted all over the garden and himself during a bbq with friends yesterday afternoon he was feeling pretty sorry for himself. As he was busy bringing his boots up my first action was to try and clean some of the chunks from his person. As I stripped him off and attacked him with wet wipes I looked down at his little face. He was so sad and so vulnerable, and despite being so gross I didn't hesitate to scoop him up, puke and all, to give him a cuddle. 

After a few more tears and a bit more snot and vomit I got the two of through the shower and into some clean pjs and rejoined the "party". Never let a bit of puke come between you and a good bbq! The boy calmed down and with a few sips of water and a viewing of Toy Story 2 he went to bed without too much trouble.

4am. The joy that is 4 am. He wakes up feeling very sad and very hungry, my dear darling husband in his dreary state and infinite wisdom lovingly went and made him a bottle of milk and then put him in our bed. A fact I only became aware of when the whole lot came at speed out of his mouth and into my face and my hair and everywhere else in the bed! Nice! Again I looked down at my sad little boy and despite the fact that both he and I were quite literally dripping with sick nothing else seemed as important as giving him his cuddles. 

After stripping him, the bed and myself off and loading the washing machine, making my husband a cup of tea while he cuddled the vomit monster I had a shower, again.

As I shampooed my hair for the third time I couldn't help but flash back to my early 20's when washing a boy's vomit out of my hair would have probably made me love him a little less! Now the boy is small and squishy and made by me it kind of makes me love him more. I never thought there would be a time where vomiting in the middle of a bbq or puking in my face whilst I slept would be acceptable let alone endearing but that is the power of love! Stronger than the smell of vomit every time!

Should we just whip 'em out?

I am a breastfeeding mum. I do breastfeed in public. But, and it is a big but, I am torn on the coverage on the issue. I find it amazing that some people think it is unnatural (wtf?!) and I think Alyssa Milano is a great advocate for us mummies and has empowered many women to feed in public with more confidence.

I feel desperately sad for mums that feel too embarrassed to feed their baby in public, the mums that are confined to toilet cubicles and changing rooms. This is not on and shame on the arseholes that made them feel it was necessary!

I have been lucky (so far). I have not encountered any hostility or disapproval when I have breast fed either of my children in public but I have to admit I do often feel the need to wear a breast feeding bib thing..you know one of those colourful capes with the wire at the top so you can see the baby.

I don't wear it because of other people, I wear it because of me, because of my ginormous tits! I envy the mummies that are able to sit with their baby on the breast looking tidy and relaxed. I am not one of those mummies. My boobs are about the size of my 4 month old's head, and she has a big head! A friend once pointed out that There are many words to describe my boobs but 'discreet' is not one of them! They are big and imposing and have a mind of their own. Once the clip on the faded grey nursing bra is released they burst out of my clothing like the craken out of the sea!
Then there is the milk. Once it starts it is a kin to cracking open a fire hydrant, that shit is getting everywhere! I mean it. I'm soaked, the baby is drowning and I am dangerously close to having to pay for the dry cleaning of every other patron of which ever coffee shop I happen to be in. So I cover up.

Here is my but...

I was in a coffee shop the other day, (it is a 'breastfeeding centre' and everyone is welcome. Lovely.) and as I walked in I saw something that made me double take.

In the middle of the cafe there was an enormous pillow with an enormous boob flopped across it in all it's glory. On the corner of this great green velvet cushion was a baby, nibbling on the end of a nipple! I have to admit that even I, also a breastfeeding mum with gigantic tits, had to double take. I ordered my coffee and sat down with a friend and felt a little embarrassed as I passed.

I felt ashamed as I sat down that I had stared and more ashamed that it had made me feel uncomfortable. But... Here it is, my but... having put a lot of thought into it, it was unnecessary. The woman was exercising her right to breastfeed in public, yes, absolutely, more power to her. But... The way she was feeding didn't seem to be about her and her baby, it felt like it was about the rest of the world seeing it. She wasn't holding her baby, she wasn't even really feeding her baby and I'm not really sure what purpose the boudoir pillow was serving other than to draw more attention to it all.

I know, I know, who am I to judge, how dare I, I am setting the cause back years...these are all things I have reprimanded myself for already. But isn't she too? Is it not because of scenes that make a room full of other mothers shift in their chairs that make other people do it over the more discreet feeding?

Or .. Perhaps I am wrong, perhaps I too should be whipping them out with a little more gusto, dry cleaning bills be damned!

I am surprised with myself, and a little disappointed that this was an issue for me. My friend had the same reaction as did many other people in the cafe. I am sure this post is going to cause a lot of criticism. I have not written it to chastise or to shame any one, merely to illustrate a point. Until this particular trip to this particular cafe I I was 100% certain that I was 100% for breastfeeding in public and then I saw something that made me question myself.

I don't believe that women should feel the need to cover themselves or their babies while nursing and I will never think it is acceptable for women to feel they have to sit in a public toilet to do it but should there be a medium? Should we consider other people when we feed? I don't really believe so no. That would raise more questions..how much boob is too much boob? Should we put it away as soon as the baby comes off? How much nipple is too much nipple? If I had to ask myself these questions every time I fed my baby I would end up never leaving the house.

I  would like to think at some point breastfeeding in public won't need to be divisive, we won't feel the need to either make a statement or hide away, we will just get on with it and no one will notice.