Purple fanny

I am going to warn you now! Look away if you're squeamish!

The news this week has been just horrid and I think we are all in need of a laugh, so have one on me...

Now, you would think that after a decade that the mystery would have run out in a relationship. That you would be completely familiar with your partners body (especially if you have already seen a baby pop out of it!) That's what my husband thought too!

But no! No! Pregnancy the second time added a few new little gems in there.

I was sat on the sofa one morning, I was about 36 weeks, watching beebies with my husband and son (standard) when I looked down and noticed blood on my pyjamas.

Now I am sure that many of you will be only too aware of how frightening this would have been!

I ran upstairs to the toilet and had a check. It was weird, I had no pain in my bump and I could feel the baby moving. So I called my husband up in a bit of a tiz..

"You're going to have to just have a look!"

Dutifully he did as he was told.

"It's a bit angry down there!" He said frowning.

"What the fuck does that mean?" I snapped.

"Well, it's sort of swollen and purple!" I have never seen an expression quite like it.

"WTF?!?! Where is the blood coming from?"

"Well, it's gone sort of veiny...and I think one of them has popped!"

Oh the indignity! As if pregnancy isn't bad enough!!!

So I cried. Partly because I was very relieved it wasn't the baby but mostly because I had a purple fanny!

An angry, veiny purple fanny!

My husband was now roaring with laughter.

As I sobbed and had a small but quite spectacular tantrum at the sad state of my lady bits my husband told me to cheer up. Cheer up? How the fuck was I supposed to cheer up?

I had a purple fanny!

"Purplefanny.com is available! Shall I buy it for you?"

What. A. Wanker!

I would just like to add that my fanny has now returned (mostly) to its former glory and now it has pushed 2 babies out of it, it is no longer angry, just a bit sad!

Mummy's version of Row Row

Scrub, scrub, scrub the floors
Quickly free of poo,
Just think in two more years they can use the loo!

Wash, wash, wash the clothes,
 the towels the sheets the bed,
Quickly get them on the line so mum can rest her weary head.

Paint paint paint a tree,
a sheep, a cow a duck,
Keep smiling and look as though you give a flying fuck!

Blow blow blow their nose
quickly when they sneeze,
If you don't move fast enough they will use their sleeve!

Pass, pass, pass the wine
to parents everywhere,
If we had to do without we would have no hair!

Read, read, read their book
time and time again,
Some one please just kill me now and bury me in the 'den!


This song as been brought to you by a mum who has sung row row too many times by 9am!!!