Caring for a stay at home parent.
This is a useful care guide for all partners of a stay at home parent. Think of it as a 'how to care for your Guinea pig' but way more useful.
Make sure that whilst you may be busy showering, walking the dog, shaving or applying make up you take time to make them a caffeinated beverage of some kind. The likelyhood is they are not going to have time to make one for themselves for some hours to come. The parent you are leaving at home is much less likely to eat your young if you take this simple precaution.
If you have a particularly unpredictable partner it may be best to air on the side of caution and provide sustenance of some kind...perhaps put some toast on whilst brushing your teeth! Low blood sugar and feral children may result in less family members on your return from work.
During the working day
If you call you hard working stay at home parenting partner do not ask on the phone "what's for tea?" This will be met by hostility and may result in further eating of the offspring or you suffering a later 'accidental' case of genital mutilation.
Instead always advisable to ask more positive, inspiring questions such as "what can I pick up on my way home?"
If time does not allow for midday phone calls again air on the side of caution and pick up food or alcoholic beverages (or both) en route.
If you are unsure of the mood that your at home parent may be in, I suggest buying the full house: red white and rose... If you fear the worst buy gin and chocolate too.
On returning from work, no matter how desperate you are for a piss remember you probably went more recently than they did. So don't rush up the stairs (or down the corridor if you're really lucky) cross your legs say hello and see if they leap up first!
If your happy greeting is met by declarations of hatred and loathing this can be a sign of chronic hanger. It is always wise in these situations to provide a blood sugar boost to the stay at home parent; toast, an apple, a biscuit, fuck it a pork pie if there is one going. They may not have eaten since you last saw them!
Once you have ensured they have peed and had a snack if they are still a little furrowed in the forehead and you are seeing hostility this is the time to show the food and/or beverages that you stopped for.
If this has no apparent effect on their mood check their hygiene levels. They may need a shower or a bath.
Once fed and watered and washed your stay at home parent should begin to regain some more of their human qualities and speech.
This is the time you can feel free to talk about your shitty day and ask about theirs.
It is advisable before you relax completely that you check whether there are any hidden IEDs and ensure you have kissed your children read them stories and offered to cook tea (or wash up if dinner has already been provided).
If all these things have been achieved you can be sure you can sit down and relax in front of a tv show you did not get to choose.
Remember when you are climbing in to your clean bedding and washed pyjamas that although you may believe in fairies they do not do your laundry. Nor do they feed your children, sing nursery rhymes on repeat or endlessly build towers, do puzzles or scrub crayon off the walls and furniture! That is your partner!
If you would like a fairy do these things they can, but they are called nannies and they cost money.
And despite the fatigue and the slightly crumpled look, your partner will likely not want the fairy. They will just want you to acknowledge that they are doing a good job!
If you have successfully cared for your stay at home parent you can look forward to some kind of show of affection before falling asleep, a hug, a kiss, a smile... If you are really lucky you may get some...but don't count on it!