Dog piss and picnics!

So anyone with small children will know that going out for a 'nice' picnic can be a difficult enough task at the best of times.

Twice this week I have attempted it and twice it has been ruined. Today quite literally pissed upon!

Monday my Mayte and I went for a walk to burn off the bum and had a picnic in the local park estate.

There we sat with 2 toddlers and two babes. The toddlers were eating their picnics nicely and I was feeding my baby her first taste of mangoes (thanks to a lovely Ella's pouch). My little girl was loving it! She thought this was quite amazing.

Until a a cocker spaniel came running through our picnic up ending the toddlers snacks and rummaging through baby bags.

I grabbed the dog by the collar and waited for the owner to eventually appear!

"Oh he's not dangerous!" Well not the point but fine. We asked that they put the dog on the lead if he couldn't be recalled.

The owner walked 100 yards away with the dog in arm and then put it back down.

At this point the little bugger ran full speed back to us with purpose, snatched the toddlers snacks away and then proceeded to run about all over our things. Whist removing the babies from its path I had had to put the pouch down which the dog then grabbed and ate!

Well fuck me! The guy just ran back over laughing! I wasn't. My baby's first pouch gone, the Tupperware with teeth marks in it and the rest of the food for the kids now inside a dog!

Another half arsed apology and the man was gone. Pissed off we went to the pub for wine and chips.

My baby settled for boob and to be honest no lasting harm was done. Although I proceeded to bitch about it for the next several hours!

Then today again, my husband and I are sat having a picnic (in a different park). The toddler is eating his sandwiches and the baby is kicking about on the floor. A dog wanders over. I put my arm between the baby and the dog, and the owner shouts at me from 100 yards. "For god sake he won't do anything!"

Except it did! The fucking thing pissed all over my baby bag. Soaking the nappies, the snacks, the spare clothes and everything else in stinking urine!!

"Well I didn't know it was going to that!" Was all the owner said! And with that she walked off!

Needless to say I did not handle it with much class or decorum. I was fucking livid. The little girl that she was with (don't know if it was her daughter) apologised to me and ran after the woman shouting at her for not saying sorry.

I heard her say that she had apologised. She hadn't and I lost it. I walked over to her and pointed out that she hadn't had the curtesy to apologise to me. She laughed and said there wasn't anything she could do anyway. I considered walloping the woman but thought better of it. Childishly I called her a chav and stormed off. Not my finest hour.

I was so fricking mad but what can you do in these situations? Sodding nothing!

What makes it worse is we have to leave our dog at home when we do these things because she is such a little shit, she just barks at any other dog that comes near us. But because she is such a little shit she is kept on the lead when we do go out.

Why just because someone doesn't consider their dog to be dangerous do they think they can let it do what ever it damn well feels like? A dog doesn't need to be aggressive to be dangerous it just needs to be poorly controlled.

I quite frankly think that from now on I am going to take my little Hellion dog out with me for picnics and the next time someone's dog comes trampling through, they can take their chances with her!

Erghhhh pass the wine!

3 years ago today I gave up on ever having a baby

3 years ago today we ended our attempts to have our own children. It is crazy how it all happened. I felt today that since I have started a blog and have a policy of painful honesty I would share my story.

It started 7 years ago. I was 23.

I had been to the doctor as I hadn't had a period in months. I had had a series of cysts that had been a pretty vile experience and so thought I had better be checked out. My GP ran some tests and I had never really thought any more of it.

Then a follow up appointment dropped a life shattering bomb shell. I was infertile. I didn't ovulate.

My GP grabbed the bull by the horns and had my husband (then boyfriend) 's sperm tested.

Well! There it was. A sperm count that would make children all but impossible.

As I was so young we were told if we wanted even a snowball's chance in hell we should be referred for fertility treatment immediately.

We had not even considered babies at this point, I was 23 going on 17, a student nurse and completely piss poor. It all just sort of ran away from us.

Before we knew it we were in front of a consultant. Thoughts of sperm or egg donors in our mind. After further testing my husband's swimmers were fine, if not a little lazy.

The Clomifine commenced and so did the scheduled bonking. We had sex whether we liked it or not. Whether we liked each other of not.

I peed on sticks to see if I was ovulating and at times I would see the smiley face! I would get so excited. I would have my bloods done and be so sure when we next saw the consultant it would be good news. It never was. The smiley face had lied. They test for the wrong hormone and they don't mean it when they smile.

18 months of false hope and mocking smiles.  I had not ovulated, I couldn't be pregnant.

On we went to the IUI and the daily injections. As a (now qualified) nurse the injections didn't phase me, if anything I felt like in a weird way it could make them work better as I was an expert in stabbing people with needles. I could stab myself better than anyone.

Well if the stress of the treatment isn't enough, the overwhelming desire for it to work, the fucking roller coaster of hormones, hope and then hopelessness was all but unbearable. Then once someone decides you may have a follicle that is almost passable you have the treatment. My husband at the first of these actually told me he felt violated for me. It is pretty fucked up. 2 women have a chat around your what-not checking a bottle of your partners junk before shoving it  up you with a straw. Pretty gruesome.

By the third time all dignity had gone out the window. All sense of privacy or ownership over my own body parts had gone and I was joining in the chats with the nurses as they checked my details with my legs in the air and my hoo-ha on display.

After 3 rounds of this, 3 rounds of stabbing myself with drugs, shoving progesterone in places that should only ever be 'out holes'...nothing.

The only thing that had changed was that my mental health was in pieces and my desire for a baby was immeasurable.

Onwards we went. ICSI next. Well shit the bed! How I didn't top myself is actually quite beyond me. Some days I would lie on the landing crying, unable to move. My husband once rang me and I was so hysterical he left work to check on me. Honestly I think he had prepared himself for the worst. Hormones being hormones however had seen me have a complete and spontaneous recovery and I was sat drinking tea in the kitchen.

I never really considered my husband in all of it at the time. My emotions, and hormones and generally pretty broken state of mind were all consuming. I was completely selfish, but even with hindsight I don't see how I could have been anything different. I don't really know how I made it through.

I missed my sisters 30th, our niece's christening had to be rescheduled and I had to take unpaid time off work. And all for nothing.

So many people offered us the money that we couldn't find to try again but I was done. I couldn't survive any more. I knew it and so did my husband.

July 2011 I came to terms with the fact that I would never have my own children. I would never know what it was to be pregnant.

We decided to adopt. It was a decision that lifted all the burden. I wanted to be a mummy so much, it was all I could think about. They didn't need to have my genes to be my children. My husband I think was just relieved to have me back from the brink and being the wonderful man that he is hot behind the idea 100%.

We were all ready to go with the adoption, we had references from friends and family and our social worker knew more about us than our own family did.

Then one day in Tesco I was doing my weekly shop and I turned into a crazy woman. I started buying spinach and piles of fruit. I bought multi vitamins and put the wine back on the shelf. I then stood in the women's aisle like a complete mental case picking up and putting back the Tampax until I eventually went and purchased a pregnancy test. I had no reason to think for a moment I could be pregnant but some how I just knew I was.

12 tests later and a lot of tears and there it was I was pregnant. How? Who the chuff knows? But I was.

3 months after having known I would never have my own baby there I was pregnant.

3 years later and I have just put not only my first but also my second baby in their bed.

Our bodies are wonderful things. I apologise for the whopping length of my post. But that's my story. That's how I had my babies after knowing I would never have one.

I hope anyone else that is going through similar can take comfort in my story. It was long but it had a happy ending!

Why the referendum result makes me sad

Let me be clear. I have no time for diplomacy and fence sitting. The first doesn't get you any where and the latter is a pain in the arse!

I think we have fundamentally fucked up as a country. I realise that not all of those that made the decision to leave did so on the basis of immigration but many did. And from what I have seen it has been based on the enormous misunderstanding that the Syrian refugees that we see on the television at camps in Calais and drowning in the med are the same as European immigrants. They are not.

Leaving the Eu will not stop these people coming into the uk, nor should it.

What voting leave has done is to strip the opportunities away from our children that our parents generation voted to give us.

Whilst at university I spent 6 weeks inter-railing around Europe. Thanks to free movement, my friends and I flitted on and off trains and buses and hopped across borders as we pleased. I visited 12 countries and made some fantastic friends from all over the EU.

My children will not have this luxury.

As the figures come out it is clear that it is mostly down to the baby boomers that our children will miss out on the wealth of opportunities that the EU provides.

Well fuck you very much quite frankly. An entire generation voted for a change that they are unlikely to see. They voted for change that will affect the future for their children's children children without actually taking them into account.

Shame on them.

The biggest irony of them all is that the baby boomers that have been so desperate to send our European friends home are actually the ones that will need them the most.

A huge number of European nationals work in health service, both national and private, as a result of this vote we will loose a huge percentage of these workers.

A consequence of this will be that many of these baby boomers won't be able to have home care when the time comes as there won't be enough workers to provide it, they may not get a bed pan in time as the staff on wards may be too busy to get to it.

There will of course have been people of our generation that also voted out, and that's what democracy is for. But the thing that really gets me is the fact that so many will have been to polls yesterday, voted out, and then gone back to work with their 'friends' and colleagues from all around Europe And carried on as normal.

I have no intention on banging on on the subject but I have been genuinely upset by it and felt that I needed to say: Today I am ashamed. 😔

Fight for the ASBO: A 48 hour free for all!

So we have just got home from a weekend away with a portion of the northern contingent of our fam. It was such a great weekend, who knew something could be so fun but such hard work!?

Within 5 minutes of arriving at our holiday house Little Boy South had wielded a fire poker and had raided the coal scuttle, things were not off to a great start!

Or were they? We are all quite realistic parents, and unhealthily healthily competitive...perhaps rather than vying for best behaved child we should aim for most ASBO baby?

It was now ON. On like Donkey Kong!

Now exhausted LB South had gone to bed and promptly passed out, Baby Girl South, full of boob also went to be without a peep. Big Girl North was above all the nonsense and she too retired without fuss.

As the grown ups popped the corks on the bottles there was the most unholy raucus. Little Boy North had found his moment. Unchallenged by his rival he took the opportunity to throw the mother of all head fits. Points on the scoreboard for Team North, black hand prints and brass weaponry were but a distant memory.

After a couple of hours of entertaining the feral toddler Mummy and Daddy North felt that their Little Boy had gained a significant enough lead to let him sleep so after 5 minutes of howling the little shit passed out.

On with the drinking.

6am Saturday morning Daddy South and I are woken by Mummy North "umm...LB South is crying!!" Whoops. Double points to LB South for only waking up parents from the other team though. Strong.

Within a matter of minutes all children and adults were awake and bedlam ensued. LB North, fuelled by minimal sleep was suitably feral and stroppy, toy cars flew and tears flowed and after a breakfast that took 4 adults about 2 hours to make the kids were neck and neck.

LB South had been napping since breakfast and LB North had been building a steady lead to most feral the whole time. But..LB South was playing the long game!

Off we all went, 4 children, 4 adults, 2 cars and a picnic to a massive lake for a walk.

After an aborted picnic and an uneventful and actually quite pleasant walk we went to the cafe.

LB and BG North chose an ice lolly and despite being asked over 1000 times if he was sure LB South decided on a fruit shoot and a snack.

LB South, being the pro that he is, saw his cousins with their lollies, wobbled his lip and threw a wobbly that resulted in the small git being removed from the café for the next 15 minutes. Good work.

Adults waning, it was time to head home for gin.

The kids on all sides played nicely for an hour or so and the adults all enjoyed a drink and a chillax. But...hold the fucking phone! LB North had tagged in his sister Big Girl North who shoved LB South and the slide he was on over. Genius move by Team North. No-one saw it coming!

After a time out and some Pizzas it was bed time for the kids. All four fed and in bed at 7pm. Corks are pulled. But what was that? Baby Girl South decided she wanted to play. Pulling an oldy-but-a-goody she shits her pants with style.

Kid gloves are off, despite LB North having tapped out, the games continued.

BG North was in and out of bed with a belly ache and has had far more experience in well timed tears.

Here was where LB South's morning nap paid off. (He has the staying power of a suffragette.) Not only was he up and at his door but he was butt fucking naked, nappiless and soaked in piss. As was his bed. Strong play child. Strong play.

Adults a little drunk but not yet drunk enough had had enough. LB South's mattress was flipped and he was back to bed. BG North was told to sleep or she would be forced to wear trousers (she is a princess not a knight so obviously should only be wearing dresses!)

Mummy and Daddy South got excessively shit faced and everyone goes to bed.

6am Sunday morning..what in the name of Toy Story was that noise? LB North was ready to play!!

After a very brief 'lie in' for Father's Day the daddies made a cooked breakfast as demanded by LB South and we all sat down at the table.

Well, this shit just got real! The morning was shaping up to be a cross between Toddler Hunger Games and MME.

LB North was on it like a car bonnet. As the adults dodged the forks in our coffee cups we missed the tomato grenade.

SPLAT! A fried cherry plum tomato exploded in Mummy North's ear!

Well FML!!

You would think that would be game over! But no! As the tomato was wiped from Mummy North's hair, ear and back the adults realised the kitchen was just a little too quiet.

Adults spread out in all directions. BG North had taken herself off and climbed into bed with Baby Girl South waking her up, LB North was raining terror down in the living room, but where was LB South? Panic set in.

It was only a matter of time before we lost one!

Back door locked he had to be in the house somewhere..SHIT! LB South was locked inside the bathroom! After a little while of fumbling at the door the lock is jimmied and the little bugger was released. Strong counter move from the small southerner!

Breakfast abandoned, adults decided it would be better for everyone to 'get this show on the road'. Baby Girl South clearly felt she hadn't had enough play so threw some shapes in there and vomited all over BG North while I showered. Nice one.

At this late stage in the game there still didn't seem to be a clear cut winner, although the tomato was a particular low high point for Team North.

The kids took it down a notch while bags were packed, or so it seemed. Mummy South smelt something...

Burning plastic! 

After a sniff around the other adults wrote the smell off as nothing to worry about, but there was something all to familiar about this to me. Yep. There it was...  

The hob was on and chaos ensued.

LB South had out done himself and the tomato. As the heat was turned off and the picnic lifted the adults assessed the damage. Perfectly done little Padawan. Not so bad that we would lose the deposit but good enough to cause a little mayhem.

Amid the cuffuffle LB North, not to be outdone, grabbed the bread knife from the kitchen counter and headed at speed toward LB South. Fuck! Phew! Daddy North managed to get to the boys and the knife before any serious stabbings could occur!

The melted plastic was scrapped from the surface and everyone was in the car.

Off to a farm park, where actually a great time was had by all. The kids fed lambs and goats and all behaved really very well, even in the soft play.

Caffeine failing we quit while we were behind  ahead. The weekend ended in a draw and the adults felt that it could all be chalked up to a success.

Despite everything, We can't wait to do it all again, ASBO babies and all!