Monday, 20 June 2016

Fight for the ASBO: A 48 hour free for all!

So we have just got home from a weekend away with a portion of the northern contingent of our fam. It was such a great weekend, who knew something could be so fun but such hard work!?

Within 5 minutes of arriving at our holiday house Little Boy South had wielded a fire poker and had raided the coal scuttle, things were not off to a great start!

Or were they? We are all quite realistic parents, and unhealthily healthily competitive...perhaps rather than vying for best behaved child we should aim for most ASBO baby?

It was now ON. On like Donkey Kong!

Now exhausted LB South had gone to bed and promptly passed out, Baby Girl South, full of boob also went to be without a peep. Big Girl North was above all the nonsense and she too retired without fuss.

As the grown ups popped the corks on the bottles there was the most unholy raucus. Little Boy North had found his moment. Unchallenged by his rival he took the opportunity to throw the mother of all head fits. Points on the scoreboard for Team North, black hand prints and brass weaponry were but a distant memory.

After a couple of hours of entertaining the feral toddler Mummy and Daddy North felt that their Little Boy had gained a significant enough lead to let him sleep so after 5 minutes of howling the little shit passed out.

On with the drinking.

6am Saturday morning Daddy South and I are woken by Mummy North "umm...LB South is crying!!" Whoops. Double points to LB South for only waking up parents from the other team though. Strong.

Within a matter of minutes all children and adults were awake and bedlam ensued. LB North, fuelled by minimal sleep was suitably feral and stroppy, toy cars flew and tears flowed and after a breakfast that took 4 adults about 2 hours to make the kids were neck and neck.

LB South had been napping since breakfast and LB North had been building a steady lead to most feral the whole time. But..LB South was playing the long game!

Off we all went, 4 children, 4 adults, 2 cars and a picnic to a massive lake for a walk.

After an aborted picnic and an uneventful and actually quite pleasant walk we went to the cafe.

LB and BG North chose an ice lolly and despite being asked over 1000 times if he was sure LB South decided on a fruit shoot and a snack.

LB South, being the pro that he is, saw his cousins with their lollies, wobbled his lip and threw a wobbly that resulted in the small git being removed from the café for the next 15 minutes. Good work.

Adults waning, it was time to head home for gin.

The kids on all sides played nicely for an hour or so and the adults all enjoyed a drink and a chillax. But...hold the fucking phone! LB North had tagged in his sister Big Girl North who shoved LB South and the slide he was on over. Genius move by Team North. No-one saw it coming!

After a time out and some Pizzas it was bed time for the kids. All four fed and in bed at 7pm. Corks are pulled. But what was that? Baby Girl South decided she wanted to play. Pulling an oldy-but-a-goody she shits her pants with style.

Kid gloves are off, despite LB North having tapped out, the games continued.

BG North was in and out of bed with a belly ache and has had far more experience in well timed tears.

Here was where LB South's morning nap paid off. (He has the staying power of a suffragette.) Not only was he up and at his door but he was butt fucking naked, nappiless and soaked in piss. As was his bed. Strong play child. Strong play.

Adults a little drunk but not yet drunk enough had had enough. LB South's mattress was flipped and he was back to bed. BG North was told to sleep or she would be forced to wear trousers (she is a princess not a knight so obviously should only be wearing dresses!)

Mummy and Daddy South got excessively shit faced and everyone goes to bed.

6am Sunday morning..what in the name of Toy Story was that noise? LB North was ready to play!!

After a very brief 'lie in' for Father's Day the daddies made a cooked breakfast as demanded by LB South and we all sat down at the table.

Well, this shit just got real! The morning was shaping up to be a cross between Toddler Hunger Games and MME.

LB North was on it like a car bonnet. As the adults dodged the forks in our coffee cups we missed the tomato grenade.

SPLAT! A fried cherry plum tomato exploded in Mummy North's ear!

Well FML!!

You would think that would be game over! But no! As the tomato was wiped from Mummy North's hair, ear and back the adults realised the kitchen was just a little too quiet.

Adults spread out in all directions. BG North had taken herself off and climbed into bed with Baby Girl South waking her up, LB North was raining terror down in the living room, but where was LB South? Panic set in.

It was only a matter of time before we lost one!

Back door locked he had to be in the house somewhere..SHIT! LB South was locked inside the bathroom! After a little while of fumbling at the door the lock is jimmied and the little bugger was released. Strong counter move from the small southerner!

Breakfast abandoned, adults decided it would be better for everyone to 'get this show on the road'. Baby Girl South clearly felt she hadn't had enough play so threw some shapes in there and vomited all over BG North while I showered. Nice one.

At this late stage in the game there still didn't seem to be a clear cut winner, although the tomato was a particular low high point for Team North.

The kids took it down a notch while bags were packed, or so it seemed. Mummy South smelt something...

Burning plastic! 

After a sniff around the other adults wrote the smell off as nothing to worry about, but there was something all to familiar about this to me. Yep. There it was...  

The hob was on and chaos ensued.

LB South had out done himself and the tomato. As the heat was turned off and the picnic lifted the adults assessed the damage. Perfectly done little Padawan. Not so bad that we would lose the deposit but good enough to cause a little mayhem.

Amid the cuffuffle LB North, not to be outdone, grabbed the bread knife from the kitchen counter and headed at speed toward LB South. Fuck! Phew! Daddy North managed to get to the boys and the knife before any serious stabbings could occur!

The melted plastic was scrapped from the surface and everyone was in the car.

Off to a farm park, where actually a great time was had by all. The kids fed lambs and goats and all behaved really very well, even in the soft play.

Caffeine failing we quit while we were behind  ahead. The weekend ended in a draw and the adults felt that it could all be chalked up to a success.

Despite everything, We can't wait to do it all again, ASBO babies and all!


  1. Hahaha genius. I'm glad the parents had some much deserved drinks in the end. Sounds like a decent weekend away haha! Thanks for the laugh and sharing with #StayClassyMama!

  2. Wow what a weekend! You had a little bit of everything! Love the sarcasm and the funny parts! I'm glad to hear that despite all you enjoyed it and would love to do it again! lol Thanks so much for sharing this at #KCACOLS. I hope you can join us again on Sunday, :-) x

  3. Oh my what an eventful 48 hours lol. I'm so glad you all had a good time and can't wait to do it again!
    P.S. Did you pack put laughing at the tomato incident? Xx #KCACOLS