I am going to warn you now! Look away if you're squeamish!
The news this week has been just horrid and I think we are all in need of a laugh, so have one on me...
Now, you would think that after a decade that the mystery would have run out in a relationship. That you would be completely familiar with your partners body (especially if you have already seen a baby pop out of it!) That's what my husband thought too!
But no! No! Pregnancy the second time added a few new little gems in there.
I was sat on the sofa one morning, I was about 36 weeks, watching beebies with my husband and son (standard) when I looked down and noticed blood on my pyjamas.
Now I am sure that many of you will be only too aware of how frightening this would have been!
I ran upstairs to the toilet and had a check. It was weird, I had no pain in my bump and I could feel the baby moving. So I called my husband up in a bit of a tiz..
"You're going to have to just have a look!"
Dutifully he did as he was told.
"It's a bit angry down there!" He said frowning.
"What the fuck does that mean?" I snapped.
"Well, it's sort of swollen and purple!" I have never seen an expression quite like it.
"WTF?!?! Where is the blood coming from?"
"Well, it's gone sort of veiny...and I think one of them has popped!"
Oh the indignity! As if pregnancy isn't bad enough!!!
So I cried. Partly because I was very relieved it wasn't the baby but mostly because I had a purple fanny!
An angry, veiny purple fanny!
My husband was now roaring with laughter.
As I sobbed and had a small but quite spectacular tantrum at the sad state of my lady bits my husband told me to cheer up. Cheer up? How the fuck was I supposed to cheer up?
I had a purple fanny!
"Purplefanny.com is available! Shall I buy it for you?"
What. A. Wanker!
I would just like to add that my fanny has now returned (mostly) to its former glory and now it has pushed 2 babies out of it, it is no longer angry, just a bit sad!